Wake

Well over 400 people came to say goodbye to Ash today. It is amazing how many lives she touched in her short life. It was wonderful to see everyone. At a time like this, it makes you realize how important your friends and family are. It also puts things into perspective.

Anyone who would like to join the funeral procession tomorrow should be at the funeral home by 9:00 a.m. There will be a short prayer said at the funeral home and then we will proceed to St. Jude's Church for 10:00 a.m. Mass.

A luncheon is being held by the parishoners after the service. If anyone would like to donate food, please bring it to the hall prior to Mass.

I am adding our family picture from our wedding. Ash, I miss you so much. I will cherish the time we had together.

Love,

Heather

Obituary

Ashlee's obituary is now online.

http://www.fredcdames.com/obitarchives/koernerashlee05-06-08

Several people have asked if the funeral services are for family only, they are not. Please feel free to attend and celebrate Ashlee's life with us.

Heather

Carlee and Ashlee ~ Sisters and Best Friends

Wake and Funeral

The arrangements were finalized today.

Sunday, May 11th ~ Wake

2:00 - 8:00 p.m.

Fred C. Dames Funeral Home

3200 Black Road/Essington Road

Joliet, IL 60431.

Their phone number is (815) 741-5500

Monday, May 12th ~ Funeral

There will be a prayer said at the funeral home at 9:15 and then we are meeting at St. Jude's Church for 10:00 a.m. mass.

St. Jude's Church

2212 Mcdonough Street

Joliet, IL 60436

Ashlee's obituary will be in the Herald News Saturday and Sunday.

I look forward to seeing everyone on Sunday and Monday. Until then, another cute picture of Ashlee and Mitch.

Heather

Preliminary Wake and Funeral Arrangements

Wake and Funeral arrangements have not been finalized, however, I have some preliminary information.

Wake will be Sunday, May 11 at Fred C. Dames Funeral Home. It is located at 3200 Black Road/Essington Road, Joliet, IL 60431. Their phone number is (815) 741-5500. The funeral service will be on Monday, May 12.

Arrangements should be finalized tomorrow because the family is meeting at the funeral home tomorrow. When everything has been confirmed, I will post the dates, times and locations.

If anyone has any pictures of Ashlee they could e-mail to me, I would really appreciate it. My e-mail is hedda1977@yahoo.com.

Thank you again for all of your support, thoughts and prayers. It is always appreciated.

Heather

P.S. Ashlee ~ Chuck knows you were with him today. Thank you for keeping an eye on him for me. Love you.

Ashlee being silly at our rehearsal dinner.

Ashlee Ann Angel Koerner 11/29/87 - 5/6/08

Our Ashlee went home to God today. She is now an angel in heaven. We are heartbroken, but we know she is in a better place. She was in so much pain at the end and the only person who could take that away, did.

I feel like she can't possibly be gone. There is a hole in my heart. I just miss her so much. I want to hold her hand one more time. I want to make her smile or hear her laugh. There are so many things I will miss, but I will carry her with me in my heart forever.

The funeral arrangements have not been made yet. I will post on here the where, the when and what time as soon as I know it.

Thank you to everyone who has sent well wishes, prayers and made donations. So many people reached out and touched Ashlee through their prayers and thoughts. We received cards and donations from people who had never met her, but just wanted to help. You are all truly angels here on earth and it was appreciated more than you will ever know.

I want to end this post with a poem someone sent me. For me its sums everything up.

And Ashlee, I know you can see me and hear me right now. I love you so much and I will miss you even more. I know someday we will all be together again. Until then...

I love you.

Heather

IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see.

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today.

While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you.

And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand, that an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand.

He said my place was ready, in heaven far above, and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye.

For all my life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do, it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad.

I thought of all that we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,

I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that this could never be.

For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss some tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me from His great golden throne.

He said, 'This is eternity, And all I've promised you.'

Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, and since each day is the same way, there's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart.

For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.

~Rest In Peace Ashlee~

A Busy Weekend

It has been a long weekend. Mitch and I pulled nurse duty Friday night and part of Saturday morning. We attemped to stay up all night to be with Ash. Some of us made it longer than others. After 36 hours of no sleep, I went home and crashed for a 17 hour sleep. I know Mitch was pretty tuckered out too.

Us aside, Ashlee had a pretty peaceful night and was able to sleep until about 6:30 a.m. At which time she woke up and told us to turn her because she had been on her back for too long. Occasionally she can stay in one position for quite sometime, and other times we are moving her every 10-15 minutes. Once we get her comfortable she can usually relax and sleep for awhile.

This weekend has been a difficult one for her. Carlee had a dance competition on Saturday morning and again on Sunday. Saturday night was also Carlee's senior prom. It was rough for Ashlee not to participate in any of those activities. She asked me Saturday morning if we were going to take her to see Carlee dance. I hated to tell her no, but there was no way to make that work. She also asked her mom. It is extremely hard for Judy to not be able to take her places and do things with her. I know watching her just lay in bed is hard on Judy. We all wish she could spring up and walk again.

Today was a better day because it was spa day. Her cousin Michelle came over and highlighted her hair. Saturday morning she had repeatedly asked us when she was going to get her highlights. So I called Michelle and put the wheel in motion. Even though she desperately wanted to get them done, it ended up being a very painful experience for her. She isn't able to sit up for long periods of time, and it hurts to move or touch her neck at times. Somehow between her wheelchair and her mom sitting behind her and supporting her in bed, she got the highlights she wanted. She won't let us take any pictures of her, so you will just have to take my word for it that they look pretty fabulous.

Later on in the day, she put in her order with Carlee for her trip to the grocery store. She requested hotdogs, ravioli (the mini kind, which she stressed to us to make sure we understood that anything else was not acceptable!) and perhaps some strawberry Uncrustables. They may have been nixed at the end, because she learned that we already had grape Uncrustables. She was very explicit about what she wanted and she made sure that Carlee was taking it down correctly.

I know we all celebrate when she shows any interest in food. On Saturday morning, Mitch and I were talking to her about food trying to tempt her appetite. And she says to us, "I could go for a cheese and bacon bagel." Mitch and I looked at each other perplexed because we knew we didn't have that in the kitchen. She went on to add an order of hashbrowns and hot chocolate. She informed us we could get this at McDonalds and that is what she wanted for breakfast. We had our marching orders. Luckily, her Dad popped in and he was more than happy to make the trip for her. She was able to eat a couple of bites of everything and drank almost all of her hot chocolate.

When I left her this evening, she was waiting for Carlee to come back from Walmart. In addition to the food, Carlee was getting her prom pictures printed out so she could share them with Ash. Mitch was laying with her and the family was outside giving them some alone time. When I went to tell her goodbye, she thanked me for coming. She always does this. She always says thank you and is so very geniune about it. It brings tears to my eyes. While seeing her like this is very hard on me, I know not being able to see her at all will be even harder.

No matter what though, I don't want to see her suffer. So I hope that her passing will be peaceful. I hope and pray that she will just go to sleep. I find myself not only praying for a miracle, but also praying for peace for her and our family. Judy espcially needs everyone's support because this is the hardest thing she will ever have to do.

So as you read this, please stop and say a prayer not only for Ashlee, but also for Judy. Pray for her to find the strength to continue to care for her daughter. Pray for our family so that we can find the right words of comfort for Judy.


I'm adding one of my favorite pictures of Ashlee and Carlee together at the end of this post. I think the love they have each other speaks for itself.

Heather

The Right Words

I'm having a hard time tonight coming up with the "right" words to say. You hear that a lot in situations like this when someone is terminally ill. People talk about the "right" words to use. I wish there was a thesaurus or a Idiot's Guide for this situation.

Earlier today, a Hospice social worker came by to provide us with comfort and guidance. I won't go into details, because it isn't worth the time I would waste to tell the story. What I will say is that for all of her training, there was no comfort in her words. I know she was trying her best and I know she meant no harm. However, sometimes the professionals can't provide us with the comfort we need.

Truthfully, I found more comfort in speaking with Ashlee's 1st and 3rd grade teachers who were also visitors today. They shared stories about both Ashlee and Carlee when they were growing up and attending St. Jude's. Nothing significant, just the little things you don't realize at the time will be the ones that will mean the most to you. The ones that people will remember about you when you are gone.

Sharing stories about Ashlee is what I want to do right now. I want to remember her for breaking into the running man dance for no reason at all other than she was just being Ashlee. I want to remember all of her silly little sayings for everything. Skirty, her security pillow. Lu Lu for bed time. Her love of Starbucks, Tinker Bell, Hello Kitty and Victoria's Secret. Watching her dance in her dance recital every year. This is what I will hold onto after she is gone.

It hurts me to watch her fade a little more each day. Thankfully she rested peacefully all through the night and for the most part, napped the day away today. She still responds to us. She still knows who we all are, but I feel like the clock is ticking. I just wish I knew how to stop time. Scratch that, I wish I knew how to turn back time.

If you have a favorite Ashlee story, please share it with us. She has touched so many people's lives, I'm sure there are many Ashlee moments out there that we know nothing about.

I'm off to try and Lu Lu myself. More tomorrow.

Heather

A Good Rest

I'm writing this from Ashlee's bedside using her fancy new laptop. She is sleeping peacefully at the moment. Today was a nice day of rest for her. I even got a smile out of her earlier when I told her more "embarrassing" pictures of Mitch were coming her way soon. I've learned to treasure every smile and laugh.

Last Sunday, the Knights of Columbus brought the traveling Our Lady of Fatima statue to the house. It is keeping watch over her from the end of her bed. It really is something to behold. We truly hope that miracles can still happen. It is difficult not to have your faith tested at a time like this. I have to still believe in God, even though I don't understand his purpose in this. Right now I just pray that we all can survive this ordeal and that Ashlee doesn't suffer needlessly.

I have to admit I sort of enjoy this time of day with her. It is quiet. All of the guests have left, everyone has gone to bed and it is just her and I. I can just watch her sleep. I find that it is a time where I can reflect and be thankful that we have survived another day. I pray that she will rest easy through the night and be able to build up a little bit of strength. It would be especially wonderful if we could tempt her appetite and have her eat some breakfast. Beyond a couple of sips of juice today, she had no nourishment by mouth. Of course she is still receiving her IV "food".

Carlee, Ashlee's sister wanted me to say Hello to everyone. She thanks everyone for their thoughts and prayers. They mean so much to our family right now. Judy went through a stack of letters and cards tonight from people who have never met Ash personally. It is very touching to us that so many strangers care.

I'm going to end this here. I didn't sleep at all last night, so perhaps I can get a couple of hours in tonight.

Much love to all!

~Heather

Bad News

Ashlee took a turn for the worse last night. Her entire family came to be with her. Judy, Mitch, Tina and I kept a vigil by her bedside all night. She is a fighter, she has a strong heart and she is young. She is hanging on, but she is in a great deal of pain. Judy did start administering small doses of morphine to help control her pain. This in and of itself took a heroic amount of strength on Judy's part. I have no words to comfort her and I can only be there to support the choices that she makes.

So I ask that you please pray Ashlee. Please pray for Judy to find the strength to do what must be done. Please pray for the rest of us as we struggle to understand why something like this could happen to someone so young and wonderful.

Ashlee has rallied in the past, so we don't count her out yet. However, we are aware that her cancer is terminal. We know that some time in the future we will have to face this.

I will update more later if possible.

Welcome!

Hi, and welcome to our blog! Hopefully this is the first of many entries. Since Ashlee isn't really able to e-mail or post on Myspace and Facebook anymore, I thought I would provide a little window into her world.

Last Friday was a pretty good day. She was able to get out of bed via her hoya lift. She even sat in her reclining wheelchair for a few hours. During which, her cousin Michelle came over and gave her a modified "Victoria Beckham" cut. She is now known as Ashlee "Posh" Koerner. She then moved to the couch where she was able to eat pizza (Pepperoni and Black Olives...ewww) and "cuddle" with Mitch. While, the pain in her head and back was evident, she was in no hurry to get back into bed.

On Saturday, her appetite came knocking bright and early. She woke her mom up at 6 a.m. with a request for Mac and Cheese. Now if that isn't Ashlee, I don't know what is! By Sunday afternoon, she was still going strong. Barbecue, doughnuts and coffee were just a few of her requests. It is so nice to see her eating again. We scramble to fufill any request and try anything to tempt her appetite.

Unfortunately, on Sunday we had to break the news to her about her beloved cat, Sassy. During her stay in the hospital, he had to be put to sleep. She was understandably upset, but did eventually decide that a kitten might be nice. Hopefully sometime this week, a new addition to the Koerner family will arrive.

The visitors continue to stop by. The family also continues to be thankful for all of the food people bring! I know Ashlee has enjoyed the variety of things to eat.

If you would like to send a donation, the mailing address for the Bank of Elwood is on the main page. Please send them c/o the Ashlee Koerner Fund.

We continue to celebrate every good day she has. Her sense of humor is still evident. No matter how she is feeling she is still Ashlee. Please continue to keep her and the family in your prayers.

So please stop by and see her. You may want to wear pants though, the kitty may have claws!